Behind the Curtain: A Writers True Feelings
by meveryrandom
Summary: nOBODY EVER UNDERSTOOD HOW HARD IT WAS LOSING MY ABILITY TO WALK,,,BECAUSE UH,,,NO ONE KNEW,,,THE PASSION gAMZEE AND i,,,HAD,,, i WILL NEVER STOP LOVING HIM,,,AND NOW i WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW,
1. Chapter 1

**_BARE WITH ME! I have yet to finish homestuck damnit! I just have a large range of knowlage and a decent dent in the comic.  
This is FICTION after all so I dont want a SINGLE ANAL CORRECTION. I can write it the way I want._**

**_*Clears throat* anyway this is a beautiful journal about Tavros and his thoughts, describing the behind the scene deep feelings for Gamzee and how losing his legs had a more dramatic effect on him then everyone realizes._**

_**Also I do not own the lovely art I used for the cover, I tip my hat to this artist.**_

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From what I could remember that night it was the sound of a chainsaw that woke me. Of course I awaken in a startled panic considering I opened my eyes to find the rainbow drinker standing over my paralyzed body with a revving chainsaw. Uh…why don't I clue you in on how this all came about so you're not completely lost, sorry for jumping in a little too soon.  
We'll call it a bad flarping day the evening I lost my ability to walk. Thinking about it now, everything bad that ever happens to me, is because a Vriska. Eh…alright well…uh…cutting a long painful and emotionally disturbing story short basically Vriska convinced me to…uh… "fly" off a cliff. Uh…yeah and that's not what happened…and thus after hitting the ground I became a paraplegic. Anyway, something more importantly in this story, even more important than me having the use of my legs, would be…Gamzee.  
Oh…he is a…difficult topic to explain. He was…my friend. He was the person that was there for me when I was alone. Which meant a lot considering…no one is ever there for me… Gamzee was…my matesprit I guess. I hope…  
He would listen to me. And I know for someone like Gamzee, I could tell he acted differently around me. He seemed more…calm and relaxed, at peace even. He would just sit there…and listen to me talk…weather my words were important or not, and it meant the world to me…  
I could talk to him with a blissful confidence that I never felt so at ease with before. I could talk to him about feelings I didn't even knew I had until I bought them to Gamzee. The way we could talk to each other was, what he would describe as miracles, it was nice…  
I remember the day he first kissed me, it was…intoxicating. Our lips just fit together so well…and the way he held my waist as out breaths merged together I felt so…secure. It was a heavenly moment I never wanted to end, when I walked home that night it felt like my feet never touched the ground. I couldn't wait for the moment he would do it again in fact, you could say I was…impatient. He was waiting too long, and I couldn't wait any longer…so I made the next move. I threw my arms around him and slammed our lips together that I knew would fit like a puzzle, and he held me close and kissed back-and it was perfect…  
We kissed deeply, and he laid me down on the couch and he touched me like I was never touched before… I never thought his touch could be so…tender. His touch was so delicate, like I was glass and he wouldn't dare break me. It was bliss…pure happiness; oh I was so flushed for you…  
We didn't stop there. Oh no…we went all the way. And I remember every detail; I wouldn't allow myself to forget...

I remember him sliding off my clothes. Taking a pause between each garment to make sure he had my permission. I remember his warm hands on my body…his breath on my neck. I remember every place he put his mouth, every place he put his tongue… I remember every place he touched…kissed even bit. I remember feeling his hands, graze over my figure, his gaze…glaze over my skin-my expressions. I remember him watching my face flush, my breaths turning heavy, and my mouth widening just to moan for you Gamzee…you remember too.

I remember feeling him…slide in…I remember his hips rolling against mine, him driving deeper into me with every sensational thrust that came at me in waves. I remember the face paint smearing as we began to sweat…and our wet pants after our hot kissing, after our tongues uncoiled. Oh god it felt amazing…I never wanted it to end. You knew what I desired didn't you Gamzee…? You knew how bad I wanted you-how bad I needed you…! That's why you didn't stop…you took me four times that night, making love to me over and over…you took me until you knew I was weak and satisfied and couldn't do it anymore.  
I remember you pulling me into your safe embrace…you kissing my cheek. You whispered…the sweet words that completed my world… "I love you."  
I never wanted to let you go. Oh Gamzee…how I loved you.

Uh…hehe, I got a little…carried away. But as you could see…what I and Gamzee had was very special…what me and Gamzee had…was the center of my world. Honestly I feel if I lost Gamzee…I has nothing to go on for…If we were to end, I would want to end by his side. No matter whose fate it was to die, I would want to die beside him…

So anyway…this Chainsaw, well, let me break it down for you. Here's some dialogue.

Obviously, I screamed, freaked out a little bit and tried to push myself as far away from her as possible "K-KANAYA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY RESPIBLOCK!? WHY IM SLEEPING?! WITH A CHAINSAW!?"  
She tried to calm Tavros by reaching out her hand in a gentle manner "Sh…it's alright, we're going to help you."  
It was that moment Tav noticed Equius in the room as well "h-help me?! What-how?!"  
"Please calm yourself…we're going to help you walk again, we're replacing your legs with robotic ones, doesn't that sound nice?"  
"What?! You're not amputating me legs-especially in my sleep! You should have asked for consent!" It was typical for Tavros to still be shaken up with the news he had just been forced upon  
"It was going to be…a surprise…?" she said in a light tone and that's when Tavros noticed his shirt had been pushed up and there was a marking dotted line across his lower stomach  
"you-already marked me?!" he gasped  
"well of course, I need to know where I'm carving."  
"CARVING-?!" his voice cut off in a panic and something clicked in his brain "PLEASE NO!" he suddenly begged.  
She just gave a sympathetic sigh "Please…were helping you. This arrangement will better you life-"

"NO PLEASE-DON'T CUT THERE! –you don't understand…!" he cried out  
"not there…? What do you mean…?"  
he sighed looking down, his expression darkening as realizations lined up in his mind "please don't cut above my hips…please I'm begging you…please-cut here!" he tossed off the blankets and showed with his hand where he would rather be amputated, which was mid thigh.  
She frowned a bit "there…? Tavros I can't…we have to cut off where you're paralyzed and from your spinal injury I have to cut above the hips where you're not paralyzed."  
"NO-! I can't…" he held back tears, not wanting to show fear or weakness at this moment "I can't…lose it…"  
"Lose it…?" she observed his body and thought she understood, slowly giving him another sympathetic frown "Oh…your manhood…?"  
He sighed frustrated "no-well…yeah kinda but-" he bit his lip looking to her and deciding to confess "if you cut off my lower half…I won't be able to make love with Gamzee anymore…"  
Her eyes widened.

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**_T O . B E . ._**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2 arrived and ready  
Short, but sweet~**_

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After much begging and pleading Kanaya spared me my legs…They amputated mid thigh like I asked. It wasn't easy walking like that even with the metal legs…because my body was still paralyzed a certain percent I had to keep my balance on the robotic legs, and that didn't turn out very successful. They saw me struggling to walk again…even Gamzee knew it was hard for me. Equius offered many times to redo the surgery and go with the original plan but I stubbornly refused, being persistent that I would learn to walk regardless of my lower half being paralyzed on top of the metal attachments. I just…couldn't lose the ability of making love with Gamzee…I had found something rare and incredible and I wasn't about to let it go.

A few nights after the surgery I guess he missed me, or at the very least decided we were ready to go again. He laid me down and removed my clothes. We were both careful of the metal, I would never want to hurt him. He threw my fake legs over his shoulders and took me. He was going at it like our normal nights, and all I could do was fake these moans…close my eyes and pretend I could feel it. Feel the amazing sensation that would make my body tremble and bring tears to my eyes. I couldn't look at him…I feared that he knew I was faking. That he knew I couldn't feel a damn thing… This wasn't love making anymore…it was just a lie now…this would never feel the same.

The spark was gone. It was numb…

He thrusted in a final time and finished inside me, but I couldn't feel that either. He looked down with a disappointed look and a sigh, I couldn't climax. I knew he missed the thrill he would get when he felt successful at making me climax and feel satisfied. Without being able to make me shiver, moan and gasp; without the ability to make me sweat and buck and cum…without the ability to make me happy…Gamzee felt unsatisfied himself. He wasn't happy anymore…and it was my entire fault.

He groaned sliding out and looking at me as he sat up still between my legs. I prepped myself up on my elbows laying in front of him and looked down holding the tears of shame.

"You didn't feel a mother fuckin thing…did you?" He asked me letting out a light sigh with his breath.

I bit my lip responding pathetically "No…"

He looked away "Tavbro…you gotta go with the surgery…"

My brow furrowed as a sat up, my chest tightening "G-Gamzee…n-no…y-you can still feel good-you can still take me-"

"You'll be able to walk better if you do. Not be stumblin around so much…"

"Gamzee…I don't care if I can walk…I-"

"I do." He snapped cutting me off. But he wouldn't look at me…because he knew what we were losing. The ability to make love… But he would rather have me walk then suffer unhappiness… "If you don't do it then I'll have Kanaya do it when you're sleeping. I mother fuckin swear." He said sternly.

I sighed, shoulders dropping and looking back at him with misery… "Fine…I'll get the surgery…" I leaned up and kissed his cheek, probably to distract him from the one tear that slipped "for you…"

And so…now here I am. With my new robotic legs that go above my hips.

Gamzee and I haven't had sex in about two weeks. In fact...when he's not being distant, and refuses to even look at me… he clings and snuggles. It depends on the nights but I know he's fighting some emotional distress. I wish I could help him…but I don't know what to do. I just stay close to him…and comfort him when needed.

I just feel like we're not as close as we used to be anymore…I know he sees I'm depressed, and I know it's taking a violent toll on him. How do I fix this?

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_**~TO. BE. CONTINUED.~**_


	3. Chapter 3

Sup mother fuckers, I noticed my Tavbaby has been writing a little story...well I decided to contribute my own chapter to it because there was something Tavros didn't know. Well...at least up to a certain point...

Alright, so I see he's all up informed you mother fuckers on how we were love banging and then he lost his legs and shit...yeeeaaah alright let's move on bros.

So, Tav and I unfortunately grew distant...and it wasn't because our sex life died down. Just the emotional toll built a wall between us that neither of us were doing a lot of effort towards breaking down...we just found it to be more easy to stay quiet and avoid each other. In hopes that the other would step up and fix the relationship...but either of us did...I fucking regret it

I regret everything thing I did past this point...every mother fuckin thing. If I knew how this story would play out...I wouldn't have done it. Any of it...I'm sorry Tavros...I never stopped loving you.

When the talk and eye contact between me and Tavbaby dwindled down to practically nothing I...started seeing Karkat. Behind closed doors if you know what I mean...

"Damn it Gamzee you're just my Moirail! I told you this!" He would tend to snap at me as I pushed him down onto the table...my hands were all over him. I couldn't stop them from wanting to get under his clothes and explore every nook and crevice of his soft slender body...  
"Chill out Karbro, hehe, fucking quadrants didn't stop us last night, they won't stop us tonight."  
He groaned because he knew I was right...it didn't matter what quadrant we were in, that can't physically stop us from fucking. Yeah our actions would be frowned upon and we're technically troll sinning...but nothing could stop us. Karkat knew that...he also knew this was our 4th time sleeping together, well...will be. Since I haven't fucked him yet...but we were getting close. Our clothes were already gone and I was more than ready to push my hard aching length inside...  
"I thought you were Tavs matesprit." He growled at me with that snarky glare I love to snog.  
The words made me pause for only a brief moment, probably because they stung...what the hell was I doing? I was cheating on my Tavros...my matesprit... while I was spacing out Karkat was shifting into a ready position, kicking my shoulder in the process...that was it.  
My matesprit didn't have working legs. Or an entrance I could fuck... so like an idiot I smirked and replied back to Karkat in a purr as I took hold of his thighs and pressed my tip to his entrance "maybe I want to be scandalous. Now shut up and mother fuckin whine for me." I thrusted in and he screamed out...that delicious cry I loved to hear. It's been a while since I've heard Tav whine like Karkat does...

I was disgusted with myself...after every session I would down a slime pie while Karkat gets dressed and leaves me, then I would take a burning shower...like I was trying to boil away my shameful sins. What was I doing to him...? Tavros doesn't deserve this...losing his legs was hard enough on him and us having communication problems is not a legitimate reason to cheat. I've been the worst matesprit...I should have been comforting him over his loss, finding a way to make this work. Instead, I just moped around the issues and avoided them by running to Karkat for a good quick fuck. These facts right here...is what disgusts me.  
I had to make this right...! Unfortunately...before I had the chance Tavros caught me and Karkat together...  
I guess Karkat must've warmed up to the idea of fooling around because he came back the next night trying to seduce me with the desire of round five. I had forgotten I invited Tav over that night to talk and make things right. But he walked in right on the whole sloppy mess...

God damn it.

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_**TO BE CONTINUED...**_


End file.
